Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Vision

Limbs go numb
My soul drapes over
Folding, crumbling
And thirsty for respite

Lungs are shrinking
No longer screaming
Everyone's tired
We're just glad it'll soon be done with
We're just glad we'll soon be gone

But not you
Oh, no, not you
Don't dare you say it's over, you say
Don't dare you say you're done
Only God in heaven knows
Only our sweet Savior knows what's to be done
He's chosen to confide in me, though
A bit of His great plan
I saw a vision, you tell me
A vision not of me, of we

I was sitting beside you, you say
Under the shade of an old tree
Your eyes were far away
My eyes were on you

I listened to your heart
Weeping, screaming, so distraught
I reached for you, I took your hand
In my heart I wept for you
And as I did, you drew closer to me
Your head rested on my chest
And I whispered that we would be okay
But my voice was not my own

Suddenly aware of a third presence,
I looked behind my shoulder
Our Savior stood behind me
His arms wrapped around me
Reaching out to close you in as well

And then I knew
My tears were of joy and not of sorrow
Our God was there to love us
To help me love you
To help you be loved
To help you love me
To help me be loved

And then my Savior's voice,
"This is why I died."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

First Resolution of The Year.

So... 2010 is here.

I'm still not sure how I feel about it. It's already been a week since the new year started and I still don't have an official list of new year's resolutions. I thought about doing something crazy just for fun (or not so fun) - like, don't eat pizza for the whole year, but I'm still not sure...


I'm doing it!

Not eating pizza for THE WHOLE YEAR.

Starting... next monday.

Hooray for New Year's Resolution #1!

Okay, take care.

Love you!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Lord God, I want to stop this rambling.
I want to stop this dead tradition.
I want to stop this hypocritical life.
I want Life. Real life. In You.
Lord Jesus, make me clean.
I'm so sorry. I'm dumb. I focus on myself. I'm addicted to my sin.
I need You.
But I don't know where to start.
One moment I'm there. One moment it seems like I'm standing before redemption - in redemption.
And the next - I feel so lost. I want to hear You again.
I want unhindered communication with You again, Lord.
Please, Jesus, please.
Take my hand and guide me. I want to be with You again.
But as soon as I say that I feel lost and confused and alone again.
I need Your help.
I feel like that's an understatement.
I almost want to say, "You have no idea how much I need You..."

But You do...

You do...

That's why You died for me.

I don't understand everything. I'm still confused. But one thing is painfully, achingly, so sweetly clear to me.


Saturday, August 15, 2009

Major Thoughts of Today

I recently read the book Do Hard Things, by Alex and Brett Harris (check it out at and am pumped about, well, doing hard things. I was introduced to this book at a perfect time: just before attending a new school. After reading Do Hard Things, I am just anxious to start over in my walk with God. I decided that this new school year I was really going to make an impact and be bold about my faith.

Well, today I went to the orientation for the incoming juniors. After the principal had discussed several things with the students and their parents, we (the students) were dismissed for a session of "ice-breakers". We were led into a separate room by the school counselor and we all just kind of stood around. It was just a little bit awkward...

Anyhow, we were all given stickers with a picture on them. We were told that we had to find the person whose sticker matched ours and mingle with them until we felt we could successfully introduce them to the rest of the group. I got paired up with a really nice girl and we talked for a bit. I told her I had been a member of the Youth Alive club at my previous school. Now, most know that this is a Christian club, but I didn't make sure she did. I thought, Well, maybe I'll get a chance to explain later.

After just a few minutes, the introductions. There was a lot of giggling and a lot of silliness. One of the girls, however, was actually introduced as "Catholic" and her partner "a Christian."

I don't know if I really am guilty of not expressing my beliefs fully when I had the chance, but I know that at that moment I felt guilty. I mean, it wasn't terrible. But I did feel a little pang of... something. I just remembering, "Wow, I wish I had been that honest." You know, just lay it out, plain and clear. 'Hey guys, I'm Ana, and I'm a Christian.'

Man! Now that I think about it, I totally wish I could have said it. "Hi, I'm Ana, and I love Jesus." I will make it a point to do so before the first week of school is over.

This brings me to something else that I just thought of... like, right, now...

I attended a private Christian school from grade 6 to 9. I fell in love with Jesus before starting the 6th grade. Man, I was so passionately in love with Him. I don't meant to say that I don't anymore, but I look back and I understand that I was in that first stage. My walk with God was so short that it was almost impossible for it to be anything but easy.

When I hit the 7th grade, I began to face the trials that are bound to assault you when you are actually living for God. I mean, the devil starts to realize that you really do have potential to make an impact for God and, well, he puts himself to work against you. It was not terrible for me, but I did change a lot.

Anyway, where I was going with all this was that I remember being told by my Christian teachers that if I went to a public high school, or when I went to college, that I should be ready to face some sort of persecution for my faith. They didn't try to scare us or anything. Actually, all they ever said was that there would probably be people that didn't like us for being followers of Christ.

I kind of wish they had never told me that. I wouldn't want them to depict a non-existent, perfect world for me, either, but just let me find out on my own, so I don't have all these pre-conceived ideas and fears and I could just act boldly and learn as I went.

Today I realized that I have a real fear of being rejected in any way for my faith. I know that it's a human thing, fear, and quite normal. But this fear is not only for my sake. I don't want to push people away and then never be able to share with them what God has done for me. Today, for example, my way of looking at things was, "I'll just tell her I was part of the Youth Alive Club and maybe later I'll get a chance to explain what we did there. If I tell her everything now without first building a relationship, she might not want to talk to me ever again and I won't be able to share Christ with her."

Even as I'm typing this I can see that my way of thinking is, well, dumb. However, putting my thoughts down and analyzing my thoughts and actions has helped me to decide that I will try my best to be forward. Kind, respectful, and always humble, but forward.

I really don't know if any of this will make sense to anyone or if it'll even make sense to me when I read over it. But I really hope that if someone out there has thought like me, that this will help a bit.

Thanks for reading.

Love you.

In Christ,


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Of Passion, Discouragement, and Selfish Apathy.

Last year, in the month of October to be more precise, I helped organize and lead something called the Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity at my school. This event is put together by Stand True ministries (go check ‘em out:

It all started because I was bored at home for almost 2 weeks while I waited to be registered at Porter High School. I spent most of the day, every day, online. Back then I spent A LOT of time on MySpace ( I have since then matured, and instead waste my time on more sophisticated social networking sites). I found a page on MySpace called Truth In Love. All it did was discuss different topics, such as homosexuality, politics, poverty, depression, eating disorders, and, of course, abortion. On the site, I saw a banner for this Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity thing. It looked really cool so I clicked on it. (I really did click on it just because it looked cool.)

Well, clicking on that banner changed me. Seriously, I spent a few minutes on the site and I began to feel old and sick. I mean, I always knew about abortion (I went to a Christian school) and I knew it was evil and I knew I was against it. But I had never looked at numbers. I had never seen what abortion did. (I was going to post a link to some pictures, but decided against it. Abortion is wrong not because of the method used to kill the unborn, but solely because it is murder.)

The more I read, the more I wanted to ignore the problem. I didn’t want to believe. Surely this was not happening in America. Surely this was happening in some third-world country where people did not know any better.

But I couldn’t ignore it. It was happening. I realized that it was very likely happening in my own community. And I also realized that I wanted the world to know that I was willing to stand up for the silenced voices.

So I decided I was going to take part in the Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity, which meant I was going to give up my voice willingly for the 50,000,000+ who have been unwillingly silenced since January 22, 1973. In other words, I was not going to speak for 24 hours straight.

I started school about 2 weeks before the actual Silent Day. Two days after starting school, I met the students of the Youth Alive Club at the school. I proposed that we all participate in the Silent Day and that we get other students involved, as well. They agreed and next 2 weeks were spent going back and forth between the principal and the Youth Alive sponsor, trying to make the event as ‘acceptable’ as possible without compromising our goal: to raise awareness about the ethical wrongness and the physical dangers of abortion.

Finally, just a few days before the Silent Day, we got everything okayed by the principal (well, God took care of that). For the rest of the time until the date we printed out hundreds of flyers and promoted the event.

The Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity at Porter High School was amazing. I don’t know how many students actually participated but I know at least 40 showed up to have the red LIFE ribbon tied to their arms. It was incredible to see that this many teens cared about abortion.

What was even better was listening to the conversations that arose the following days. I would walk down the halls and hear the pseudogangsters debating the morality of abortion. It was incredibly rewarding to see that something as simple as giving up your voice for a day could spark something like this.

For a couple of weeks after that, I was pretty good about keeping myself up-to-date with everything that was going on with Bryan Kemper and Stand True and just abortion as a whole. When the presidential election came along, I felt heartbroken. I was devastated. I understood that the war against abortion was about to take some seriously regressive steps and my heart just wept for those who have dedicated their entire lives to fighting on the side of the 50,000,000+ dead.

I grieved for a couple of days. But I don’t think I recovered fully. I started to spend less time reading abortion news. Before, I would eagerly look for stories of closed abortion mills, of prayer walks, and rejoice along with those who had participated. But slowly, I stopped doing that.

Now, I look back and try to figure out why. The first thing that I think is that when I was actively involved, I had friends who were involved with me, and it was our project, so I was highly motivated. That sounds convincing enough to me. But I think there’s something else that dissuaded me from even reading about abortion.

I got tired and discouraged and, thus,  became selfishly apathetic.

You see, when I participated in the Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity, I could look around and see the results of our work. And it was good. But when that passed, and for the most part what I had was my computer screen, and I saw that the numbers were not decreasing, but instead were escalating, I gave up.

It is much easier not to care. It’s not your problem, so you don’t have to do anything about it, right?


It is my problem, and I do have to do something.

James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

My God wants me to stand up for those who cannot stand for themselves. Even as I write this I am overwhelmed with the size of this evil called abortion. I have no idea what I can do to contribute to its end. I still feel that anything I do will be futile. But now I understand that how I feel about myself and my abilities is not important. The only thing that matters is that I do something.

So today begins my journey away from selfish apathy and towards godly passion to defend the lives of the innocent. I know I’m going to be stinking depressed for a lot of the time. But I rather be wounded in battle than fall shamefully sick from sedentariness because all I ever did was watch from the sidelines.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Restless Musings.

I sit and wait,  nibbling away at my fingers

I listen to someone’s young-yet-aged, sorrowful melody

To something someone once sang a thousand miles away

He sings my thoughts, my fears, my heart


I sit here, tapping my feet

I stand, pacing the floor

What else can I do?

Oh, God, oh, God, oh God!

I tell myself everything’s alright

But is it really?

According to whom?


My heart trembles and whimpers within me

I try to hush it

But my words are not convincing

My fingers dance restlessly

As if even they are aware of something I’m not


Lord God, take this heart

Lord God be in sight!

Lord God don’t leave my side

Know when it is I need You most

Pull me into Your arms

Let me cry and question

Let me weep until my spirit’s dry

Let me sleep in Your arms

And when I awake

Just tell me that You love me

Just say that the worst has passed

And tell me that from here it’s only up


My mind speaks nonsense

Or is it truth?

All I know is that it hurts

And I want it to stop

I would much rather have

Suffering with known purpose

Than this anguish with no reason at all


My spirit’s weak with worry

My young bones brittle with distress

But I know that before long

You will show me what You’d planned

You will display Your perfection in my life

Like You have

Time, and time again

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Lovely Finds!

Yay! Black, leather ankle boots!

...and... Granny boots!

Go to and search for anything vintage. *tear*