Alien To This World

The Vision

2010-01-23T18:49:00.000-08:00

Limbs go numb

My soul drapes over

Folding, crumbling

And thirsty for respite

Lungs are shrinking

No longer screaming

Everyone's tired

We're just glad it'll soon be done with

We're just glad we'll soon be gone

But not you

Oh, no, not you

Don't dare you say it's over, you say

Don't dare you say you're done

Only God in heaven knows

Only our sweet Savior knows what's to be done

He's chosen to confide in me, though

A bit of His great plan

I saw a vision, you tell me

A vision not of me, of we

I was sitting beside you, you say

Under the shade of an old tree

Your eyes were far away

My eyes were on you

I listened to your heart

Weeping, screaming, so distraught

I reached for you, I took your hand

In my heart I wept for you

And as I did, you drew closer to me

Your head rested on my chest

And I whispered that we would be okay

But my voice was not my own

Suddenly aware of a third presence,

I looked behind my shoulder

Our Savior stood behind me

His arms wrapped around me

Reaching out to close you in as well

And then I knew

My tears were of joy and not of sorrow

Our God was there to love us

To help me love you

To help you be loved

To help you love me

To help me be loved

And then my Savior's voice,

"This is why I died."

First Resolution of The Year.

2010-01-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

So... 2010 is here.

I'm still not sure how I feel about it. It's already been a week since the new year started and I still don't have an official list of new year's resolutions. I thought about doing something crazy just for fun (or not so fun) - like, don't eat pizza for the whole year, but I'm still not sure...

Okay...

I'm doing it!

Not eating pizza for THE WHOLE YEAR.

Starting... next monday.

Hooray for New Year's Resolution #1!

Okay, take care.

Love you!

2009-11-19T12:27:00.000-08:00

Lord God, I want to stop this rambling.
I want to stop this dead tradition.
I want to stop this hypocritical life.
I want Life. Real life. In You.
Lord Jesus, make me clean.
I'm so sorry. I'm dumb. I focus on myself. I'm addicted to my sin.
I need You.
But I don't know where to start.
One moment I'm there. One moment it seems like I'm standing before redemption - in redemption.
And the next - I feel so lost. I want to hear You again.
I want unhindered communication with You again, Lord.
Please, Jesus, please.
Take my hand and guide me. I want to be with You again.
But as soon as I say that I feel lost and confused and alone again.
I need Your help.
I feel like that's an understatement.
I almost want to say, "You have no idea how much I need You..."

But You do...

You do...

That's why You died for me.

I don't understand everything. I'm still confused. But one thing is painfully, achingly, so sweetly clear to me.

I NEED YOU.

Major Thoughts of Today

2009-08-15T14:50:00.001-07:00

I recently read the book Do Hard Things, by Alex and Brett Harris (check it out at therebelution.com) and am pumped about, well, doing hard things. I was introduced to this book at a perfect time: just before attending a new school. After reading Do Hard Things, I am just anxious to start over in my walk with God. I decided that this new school year I was really going to make an impact and be bold about my faith.

Well, today I went to the orientation for the incoming juniors. After the principal had discussed several things with the students and their parents, we (the students) were dismissed for a session of "ice-breakers". We were led into a separate room by the school counselor and we all just kind of stood around. It was just a little bit awkward...

Anyhow, we were all given stickers with a picture on them. We were told that we had to find the person whose sticker matched ours and mingle with them until we felt we could successfully introduce them to the rest of the group. I got paired up with a really nice girl and we talked for a bit. I told her I had been a member of the Youth Alive club at my previous school. Now, most know that this is a Christian club, but I didn't make sure she did. I thought, Well, maybe I'll get a chance to explain later.

After just a few minutes, the introductions. There was a lot of giggling and a lot of silliness. One of the girls, however, was actually introduced as "Catholic" and her partner "a Christian."

I don't know if I really am guilty of not expressing my beliefs fully when I had the chance, but I know that at that moment I felt guilty. I mean, it wasn't terrible. But I did feel a little pang of... something. I just remembering, "Wow, I wish I had been that honest." You know, just lay it out, plain and clear. 'Hey guys, I'm Ana, and I'm a Christian.'

Man! Now that I think about it, I totally wish I could have said it. "Hi, I'm Ana, and I love Jesus." I will make it a point to do so before the first week of school is over.

This brings me to something else that I just thought of... like, right, now...

I attended a private Christian school from grade 6 to 9. I fell in love with Jesus before starting the 6th grade. Man, I was so passionately in love with Him. I don't meant to say that I don't anymore, but I look back and I understand that I was in that first stage. My walk with God was so short that it was almost impossible for it to be anything but easy.

When I hit the 7th grade, I began to face the trials that are bound to assault you when you are actually living for God. I mean, the devil starts to realize that you really do have potential to make an impact for God and, well, he puts himself to work against you. It was not terrible for me, but I did change a lot.

Anyway, where I was going with all this was that I remember being told by my Christian teachers that if I went to a public high school, or when I went to college, that I should be ready to face some sort of persecution for my faith. They didn't try to scare us or anything. Actually, all they ever said was that there would probably be people that didn't like us for being followers of Christ.

I kind of wish they had never told me that. I wouldn't want them to depict a non-existent, perfect world for me, either, but just let me find out on my own, so I don't have all these pre-conceived ideas and fears and I could just act boldly and learn as I went.

Today I realized that I have a real fear of being rejected in any way for my faith. I know that it's a human thing, fear, and quite normal. But this fear is not only for my sake. I don't want to push people away and then never be able to share with them what God has done for me. Today, for example, my way of looking at things was, "I'll just tell her I was part of the Youth Alive Club and maybe later I'll get a chance to explain what we did there. If I tell her everything now without first building a relationship, she might not want to talk to me ever again and I won't be able to share Christ with her."

Even as I'm typing this I can see that my way of thinking is, well, dumb. However, putting my thoughts down and analyzing my thoughts and actions has helped me to decide that I will try my best to be forward. Kind, respectful, and always humble, but forward.

I really don't know if any of this will make sense to anyone or if it'll even make sense to me when I read over it. But I really hope that if someone out there has thought like me, that this will help a bit.

Thanks for reading.

Love you.

In Christ,

Ana

Of Passion, Discouragement, and Selfish Apathy.

2009-07-08T16:48:00.001-07:00

Last year, in the month of October to be more precise, I helped organize and lead something called the Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity at my school. This event is put together by Stand True ministries (go check ‘em out: www.standtrue.com).

It all started because I was bored at home for almost 2 weeks while I waited to be registered at Porter High School. I spent most of the day, every day, online. Back then I spent A LOT of time on MySpace ( I have since then matured, and instead waste my time on more sophisticated social networking sites). I found a page on MySpace called Truth In Love. All it did was discuss different topics, such as homosexuality, politics, poverty, depression, eating disorders, and, of course, abortion. On the site, I saw a banner for this Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity thing. It looked really cool so I clicked on it. (I really did click on it just because it looked cool.)

Well, clicking on that banner changed me. Seriously, I spent a few minutes on the site and I began to feel old and sick. I mean, I always knew about abortion (I went to a Christian school) and I knew it was evil and I knew I was against it. But I had never looked at numbers. I had never seen what abortion did. (I was going to post a link to some pictures, but decided against it. Abortion is wrong not because of the method used to kill the unborn, but solely because it is murder.)

The more I read, the more I wanted to ignore the problem. I didn’t want to believe. Surely this was not happening in America. Surely this was happening in some third-world country where people did not know any better.

But I couldn’t ignore it. It was happening. I realized that it was very likely happening in my own community. And I also realized that I wanted the world to know that I was willing to stand up for the silenced voices.

So I decided I was going to take part in the Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity, which meant I was going to give up my voice willingly for the 50,000,000+ who have been unwillingly silenced since January 22, 1973. In other words, I was not going to speak for 24 hours straight.

I started school about 2 weeks before the actual Silent Day. Two days after starting school, I met the students of the Youth Alive Club at the school. I proposed that we all participate in the Silent Day and that we get other students involved, as well. They agreed and next 2 weeks were spent going back and forth between the principal and the Youth Alive sponsor, trying to make the event as ‘acceptable’ as possible without compromising our goal: to raise awareness about the ethical wrongness and the physical dangers of abortion.

Finally, just a few days before the Silent Day, we got everything okayed by the principal (well, God took care of that). For the rest of the time until the date we printed out hundreds of flyers and promoted the event.

The Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity at Porter High School was amazing. I don’t know how many students actually participated but I know at least 40 showed up to have the red LIFE ribbon tied to their arms. It was incredible to see that this many teens cared about abortion.

What was even better was listening to the conversations that arose the following days. I would walk down the halls and hear the pseudogangsters debating the morality of abortion. It was incredibly rewarding to see that something as simple as giving up your voice for a day could spark something like this.

For a couple of weeks after that, I was pretty good about keeping myself up-to-date with everything that was going on with Bryan Kemper and Stand True and just abortion as a whole. When the presidential election came along, I felt heartbroken. I was devastated. I understood that the war against abortion was about to take some seriously regressive steps and my heart just wept for those who have dedicated their entire lives to fighting on the side of the 50,000,000+ dead.

I grieved for a couple of days. But I don’t think I recovered fully. I started to spend less time reading abortion news. Before, I would eagerly look for stories of closed abortion mills, of prayer walks, and rejoice along with those who had participated. But slowly, I stopped doing that.

Now, I look back and try to figure out why. The first thing that I think is that when I was actively involved, I had friends who were involved with me, and it was our project, so I was highly motivated. That sounds convincing enough to me. But I think there’s something else that dissuaded me from even reading about abortion.

I got tired and discouraged and, thus, became selfishly apathetic.

You see, when I participated in the Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity, I could look around and see the results of our work. And it was good. But when that passed, and for the most part what I had was my computer screen, and I saw that the numbers were not decreasing, but instead were escalating, I gave up.

It is much easier not to care. It’s not your problem, so you don’t have to do anything about it, right?

Right.

It is my problem, and I do have to do something.

James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

My God wants me to stand up for those who cannot stand for themselves. Even as I write this I am overwhelmed with the size of this evil called abortion. I have no idea what I can do to contribute to its end. I still feel that anything I do will be futile. But now I understand that how I feel about myself and my abilities is not important. The only thing that matters is that I do something.

So today begins my journey away from selfish apathy and towards godly passion to defend the lives of the innocent. I know I’m going to be stinking depressed for a lot of the time. But I rather be wounded in battle than fall shamefully sick from sedentariness because all I ever did was watch from the sidelines.

Restless Musings.

2009-05-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

I sit and wait, nibbling away at my fingers

I listen to someone’s young-yet-aged, sorrowful melody

To something someone once sang a thousand miles away

He sings my thoughts, my fears, my heart

I sit here, tapping my feet

I stand, pacing the floor

What else can I do?

Oh, God, oh, God, oh God!

I tell myself everything’s alright

But is it really?

According to whom?

My heart trembles and whimpers within me

I try to hush it

But my words are not convincing

My fingers dance restlessly

As if even they are aware of something I’m not

Lord God, take this heart

Lord God be in sight!

Lord God don’t leave my side

Know when it is I need You most

Pull me into Your arms

Let me cry and question

Let me weep until my spirit’s dry

Let me sleep in Your arms

And when I awake

Just tell me that You love me

Just say that the worst has passed

And tell me that from here it’s only up

My mind speaks nonsense

Or is it truth?

All I know is that it hurts

And I want it to stop

I would much rather have

Suffering with known purpose

Than this anguish with no reason at all

My spirit’s weak with worry

My young bones brittle with distress

But I know that before long

You will show me what You’d planned

You will display Your perfection in my life

Like You have

Time, and time again

Lovely Finds!

2009-03-21T09:19:00.001-07:00

Yay! Black, leather ankle boots!

...and... Granny boots!

Go to Etsy.com and search for anything vintage. *tear*

That Nice, Toe-Tapping Feeling

2009-03-12T19:38:00.001-07:00

I sit here. Such a wonderful day. I close my eyes and feel the vibrations under my skin. I want to sing a long, and I do. Well, sort of. My blood dances in my veins, and my toes start tapping.

Life beckons me, waving its finger so. I close my eyes and grin. The world is crazy. Crazy, crazy. My thoughts smile in my mind, running around excitedly, giggling, sighing. I find it harder and harder to sit still.

I want to know, I want to know, I want to know! What are the plans You have for my life? What are they? There are so many possibilities!

It does not matter what it is, though. I want to do it. I bob my head, side to side. I’m sure there’s music playing somewhere. ‘Cause I can hear it. I hear it, although I can’t distinguish every note or instrument. It’s all just kind of pooled together. Like a swirling vat of melting crayons in a pot. I stand and stare, eyes wide and shining. A strange kind of beauty.

It reminds me of me. Of what You’ve done with me. Taking this and taking that, some of You and some of me, and mixing it all together so that we may become one. So that I may become beautiful, like You.

I smile. It was time for a nice, toe-tapping feeling.

Truth Is What I Want.

2009-03-01T20:42:00.001-08:00

You tell me I’m wrong. That I’m young and naive. Just wait and see, you say, some day you’ll think like me. You express your beliefs, a thousand contradictions. You talk and talk until I’m dizzy, trying to keep up with your game of chutes and ladders. You pretend to argue with me. But, truthfully, our discussions are nothing more than disguised monologues. Will you finally take the earplugs out and listen? Will you stop picking and choosing what words you like and which you do not, regardless of their truth? You call me prejudiced and judgmental. But is it really such a bad thing to want the truth and nothing but the truth? You say I’ll be like you some day. I’m sorry but, as much as I care for you, I don’t want to be like you. I don’t want the truth to be made up by me, composed of only that which sweetens my ear. I want to have the certainty that truth does not come from me. I want to know that truth is bigger than me, a broken, crippled girl. You can decide for yourself, but at least practice what you preach. Don’t be naive. Listen and look. The truth is evident and up in your face. It would be almost vulgar to ignore it.

Because I love you.

2008-12-10T19:25:00.001-08:00

I stand in this empty room
Angry flames lick at the walls, consuming any hope of home
I stand paralyzed
Afraid that the slightest movement
Might expose my insubstantial vulnerability

The room goes down in flames
Decomposing into ashes
A cold, cold wind whips against my lonesome body

I open my mouth, finally
But immediately my screams
Are smothered by mouthfuls of white, cold ashes
I swallow these and feel the sickness deepening inside of me

I need to purge my mind
Of all of this dementia
This sick, addicting cycle
That finds me always trapped
In a room now cold and uninviting
Later hot and overcrowded

Sleep brings only fear at night
Fear of the imminent moment
When proof enough’s provided
Of my sickened mind’s absence

I’ve let this go on for too long
I can’t find my way back
Did I ever even leave at all?

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
I don’t know where I am
Or where I am to go
Where was I in the first place?
I know there was a place called home

Why? Why so much confusion?
Can I run and leave my thoughts behind?

I want to erase myself
Erase myself, start over
Start anew with me, won’t You?
Tear me up
Throw away this mess
Draw me all over again

I think I know where I’m going
It’s not where I want to be, at all
I’m going back to Silence
I feel myself disengaging
Tangled in misperceptions
In this burning house’s evil deceptions

The air escapes my lungs
Walls composed of my life’s every wrong turn
Are quickly closing in on me

I want to scream but can’t
I see them walking past
They smile and wave
I want to turn and run
But I smile instead
And with every smile my heart is crying
Why, why?

Because I love you, Ana
And I need You to really want to come to me
I can’t force you to come back to me
You have to desire it

But I do!
Don’t You get it?
That’s what I’m asking of You!
Do You think I really want to stay like this?
Sick, and crazy, and mutilated?
I want to come back to You!

Do you?

Yes. I mean… Yeah…

Ah, you hesitate…

No, it’s just. I think… I’m scared
I’m scared of coming back
I don’t know the way
And the journey seems so long, so daunting

Of course it’s long
There’s no doubt about that
It will be long and you will want to quit as soon as you get started
But I will be there
Right by your side
Taking the same journey
I will be there, Ana, which is more than most can do for you

But I don’t want to let You down…

Ana, don’t you understand?
I love you! I want to do this with you…
I want to be there for you.

Why do I hesitate so much?!

Don’t, Ana. Just tell me you want to do this with me and we will.
You don’t have to deal with all this junk.
I’ll handle it.

I want to. I’m tired of this.
I want to do this with You.
I’m ready… no, well, yes.
I am.
Take over.

Hoorah!

2008-11-15T15:48:00.000-08:00

Maybe tomorrow I won't find this funny. But right now.... uh, 5:48PM, I think it is hilarious!

Wow.

2008-11-14T22:57:00.000-08:00

Mr. Spearman talked to us about the end times on Wednesday. My, is he an intelligent man! Well, here's something I found on Godtube.com to go along with that. Very powerful. Made my heart jump.

Mangled, Healing Heart

2008-11-11T12:14:00.000-08:00

I stand before the mirror. Beside my reflection stands a man dressed in black.

Though he's not family or friend, he's no stranger to me. His name is sometimes Thief, sometimes Liar, Snake, Death.

He watches me with sneering eyes that dance with fear. He looks me up and down and licks his lips. I glance at his reflection in the mirror and grimace.

"Go away."

There was a time, before I new him as well as I do now, when he seemed so handsome and seductive in my eyes. He came to me in a time of extreme confusion, when I thought all I needed was to feel loved. And I did, but not by just anybody.

We began to spend more and more time together. He promised to give me everything I needed. As soon as I agreed to trust him, he reached inside his coat, drew out a knife and drove it right through my heart. He skewered any love and confidence I had in myself. And as I stood there, weeping, staring up at him with shocked disbelief, my torn and bleeding heart in my hands, he caressed my face gently. He neared his mouth to my ear and whispered that it was all okay.

"You just need to try a little harder," he whispered to me. "Be a little smatter, a little prettier. Do that and you can have this" - he took my mangled heart from me - "back."

And so from then on I did what he said. Come here, go there, wear this, wear that, eat this, eat that, listen to this, listen to that, look at her, look at him. Everything he said I did. I obeyed without protesting, rarely questioning, always following.

Then one night, I had a sudden thought. 'I don't have to keep doing this...'

And so I began refusing him. He would say, "Come here," and I would force myself to stay or run the opposite way.

Obviously, he did not like that. But I knew I had to break ties with him completely.

So I found a new Friend. The best one I've ever had. He rescued me and gave my heart back to me, wounded, yes, but healing, nonetheless.

And now I stand before the mirror and Liar is here beside me.

"Go away," I tell him, reaching for a hairbrush and running it through my hair.

"Why do you even try?" Liar sneers. "You know you're not good enough. You never will be, no matter what."

I clench my teeth. His words hurt. I begin to panic. No, no, no, I tell myself. Don't listen to him. Don't listen.

"Just be quiet. Leave me alone. I'm over you," I say with my strongest voice and go on to tie my hair up into a ponytail.

"Stop it!" He yells suddenly. "I can't stand it! Stop! No matter what you do you'll never be good enough, you hear me? Never!"

I stare at myself in the mirror, my eyes wide. Old fears and insecurities start rushing back. My heart beats faster, beating itself up against my chest. He's right...

"You're right," I whisper, my voice breaking.

"No, he's not," says a third voice.

In the mirror, another Man stands beside me. His face is kind but it holds a righteous fierceness about it. There's a glow about Him that I can't explain, but I slowly begin to feel more and more at peace, though my old wounds still throb and sting inside.

The Man looks at me with eyes so full of love. "You're perfect the way you are," He tells me softly.

Liar scoffs. "She'll never get anywhere in life."

My Defender glares at him. "You don't know that. You didn't make her, did you?"

"Whatever. Look at her! She's uh-gly! And pretty stupid, too."

"She was beautifully, perfectly designed to fulfill the purpose for which she was made."

I take a step closer to the white-robed man and take His outstretched hand. He holds it firmly and draws me closer to Him.

Liar screams and punches the wall.

The Man wraps His arms around me. He pulls away gently and looks down at me, smiling tenderly. After giving my face one last caress, He gives me a little push.

"Okay, now. You're going to be late to school."

I give Him one last embrace, and leave the room. Again He has reminded me that I am beautiful. Not according to MTV or Popstar. But according to the Lord Most High.

And whose opinion can I value more than His?

Parental Consent

2008-11-10T17:06:00.000-08:00

Okay...
So I had a freaking huge headache this morning, and the school wouldn't give me anything for it without my parent's consent.
But I can go get a freaking ABORTION without telling anyone.
Tell me, is that messed up or what?

Oh, my. It's a sad, sad world we live in.

Pain & Sickness

2008-11-09T17:22:00.000-08:00

A boy from St. Joseph died recently.

I didn't know him. I'd never heard his names until today.

My heart hurts for his family and friends. Oh, God, how I wish I had the words of comfort that they need. How I wish I could take the pain away. I can't imagine what their parents must be going through right now...

Life is so unpredictable. You're in the car, laughing with a friend, telling him, 'Yeah, you can change that song,' and then your hearts up at your throat and you're frantically trying to swerve those headlights coming straight at you.

I wish I could do something. I feel like throwing up.

God, You're still in control. You still know what You're doing, even when it doesn't make much sense to us at all.

You're still the loving God. Be with his family, comforting them, holding them, carrying them. I love You.

Just Another One Of Those Days

2008-11-09T14:38:00.000-08:00

Today is just another one of those days. I feel so... stuck. I know, great word. But I do. I've been trying to do some more to Jake and Remy's story (maybe I'll talk about them more eventually), but everytime I sit down to do so, either something comes up or I'm so drained that I can't think coherently.

Ugh. It almost feels like giving up on writing would make my life easier...

Okay, I had to get that out of my system. Of course life wouldn't be easier. I'd feel so gunked up inside and frustrated and tired... Like I do right now! I need to be able to put my thoughts into writing. I just wish they wouldn't all be about not being able to write.

On another happier note... God is really doing some awesome things. God is so cool. We (the Youth Alive club) sold about $115 worth of cupcakes... and in just a couple of hours! Saturday was such a blessing.

Got to run now, or I'll have the computer, phone and outings taken away.

Midnight Rant

2008-10-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

Oh, tonight is one of those nights.

I'm tired, headachy, hungry, and nauseated. It's 12:17 AM. Everyone is in bed. Since we're still in the process of moving back here into our old house, there's clothes, books, and all sorts of miscellaneous objects strewn about the room.

There are so many things on my mind, but my thoughts are so quick and so vague that it is hard to grasp even one of them. Somewhere within me is a feeling of loneliness. But it's not my loneliness. It's someone else's.

I'm listening to Split Screen Sadness, and though I haven't really paid close attention to the lyrics, the song fills me with a sense of helplessness, loneliness, and a deep frustration.

""All you need is love" is a lie 'cause we had a love but we still said goodbye. Now we’re tired, battered fighters". This line makes my heart ache. So many don't know what true love is. I'm not saying I'm an expert in the area. I'm sixteen, and I know I have a long way to go. But, shouldn't love be something fulfilling? Shouldn't love really be all we need?

I think it is. Love really is all we need. The problem is found in our definition of love. Love is not butterfly-stomachs and chills and breathlesness. Love is not just someone to hold, or to be held by. I think these are just bonuses, little gifts from God.

Love, the real one, the satisfying and fulfilling one, comes from Him only. I think, and I've come to these conclusions from past experience, that it isn't until we let God love us completely, and let ourselves fall in love with Him again and again, day after day, that we will be able to experience a fulfilling, healthy love with another human being.

Loving God opens our eyes to so many things, and helps us to look past the things that don't matter.

When my focus leaves God's love, I begin to feel empty and alone, even while my best friend holds my hand here on earth. I begin to expect him to give me what I am not letting my God give me. I begin to wonder if we're really meant to be together. And that's where the confusion begins. Wasn't love supposed to be fulfilling? Shouldn't I feel complete?

It isn't until I find my place back in God's arms that I realize that, yes, this young man is with whom I'm supposed to be right now. It's not until we're both looking into our God's eyes that I can stand before Him hand in hand and not feel empty and ashamed.

Pardon me for ranting. God is good. I'm tired. I've succeeded in extracting my mind of not even a tenth of its intricate blend of questions and aches and wonderings. But I think that this is all I can do for tonight. Tomorrow will be another day, and will take care of filling up that empty ten percent with new questions and ideas of which maybe I will have time to ramble on about.

Until then, God bless.

A/C Filters

2008-09-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since I last wrote here. Writer's block is definitely a horrible thing. Makes one feel... ha, like an a/c filter that is so packed with junk and about to blow.

Loving Father

2008-05-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we hold back from God, even when we can see how badly being away from Him is hurting us? Even when we can see how less painful our lives would be if we only took that first step towards God? I have found myself in this position many times. I stand in between God and the devil, holding sin by the hand. I can either choose to walk on to where sin is leading me, right into the devil's lair, or I can choose to take a step backward towards God, so He can crush my sin's head and redirect my path. Most of the time, I entertain satan for far too long. I'll look down at sin, take in the ghastliness of its sneering face, feel the pain of its claws digging into my hands. It will nod at me, beckoning me to follow it to my destruction, and I, knowing all this full well, will follow after it like a dumb, hungry dog. But only long enough to make satan's wretched mouth water. Then I'll stop, look back at God's loving eyes silently telling me to come back to Him, to not be foolish and do the obviously right thing. So I kick away my sin, tug my hand away from its, and take a couple of baby steps towards my Father, only to have sin back on me, practically chewing off my arm. And I stop. And the pain gets worse. Sin feasts on my flesh, all the while telling me that it'll relent if only I will follow it. And I know this is all a filthy lie! But I follow, nonetheless. And, of course, the pain does not subdue - it only increases in intensity. 'Stop!' I tell myself. 'Stop, you idiot!' But I can't. Not on my own. So I cry out, my spirit torn and bleeding. Oh, Jesus, help me! Rescue me from my sin! And instantly, God is there beside me. He shrouds me in one arm and flings sin away with the other. Whimpering, the filthy thing writhes and withers. God steps out and crushes its evil head under His foot. I bury my face in His mighty chest and sob. I weep myself dry. I tell my God I'm sorry, that I'll never leave again. And He, knowing that I will - not once - but a hundred times again, only nods and holds me tighter. "It's alright. Hush, now, hush. You're alright. I've got you. I've got you..."

[written March 14 -17, 2008]