Loving Father

Why is it that we hold back from God, even when we can see how badly being away from Him is hurting us? Even when we can see how less painful our lives would be if we only took that first step towards God? I have found myself in this position many times. I stand in between God and the devil, holding sin by the hand. I can either choose to walk on to where sin is leading me, right into the devil's lair, or I can choose to take a step backward towards God, so He can crush my sin's head and redirect my path. Most of the time, I entertain satan for far too long. I'll look down at sin, take in the ghastliness of its sneering face, feel the pain of its claws digging into my hands. It will nod at me, beckoning me to follow it to my destruction, and I, knowing all this full well, will follow after it like a dumb, hungry dog. But only long enough to make satan's wretched mouth water. Then I'll stop, look back at God's loving eyes silently telling me to come back to Him, to not be foolish and do the obviously right thing. So I kick away my sin, tug my hand away from its, and take a couple of baby steps towards my Father, only to have sin back on me, practically chewing off my arm. And I stop. And the pain gets worse. Sin feasts on my flesh, all the while telling me that it'll relent if only I will follow it. And I know this is all a filthy lie! But I follow, nonetheless. And, of course, the pain does not subdue - it only increases in intensity. 'Stop!' I tell myself. 'Stop, you idiot!' But I can't. Not on my own. So I cry out, my spirit torn and bleeding. Oh, Jesus, help me! Rescue me from my sin! And instantly, God is there beside me. He shrouds me in one arm and flings sin away with the other. Whimpering, the filthy thing writhes and withers. God steps out and crushes its evil head under His foot. I bury my face in His mighty chest and sob. I weep myself dry. I tell my God I'm sorry, that I'll never leave again. And He, knowing that I will - not once - but a hundred times again, only nods and holds me tighter. "It's alright. Hush, now, hush. You're alright. I've got you. I've got you..."

[written March 14 -17, 2008]