Major Thoughts of Today

I recently read the book Do Hard Things, by Alex and Brett Harris (check it out at therebelution.com) and am pumped about, well, doing hard things. I was introduced to this book at a perfect time: just before attending a new school. After reading Do Hard Things, I am just anxious to start over in my walk with God. I decided that this new school year I was really going to make an impact and be bold about my faith.

Well, today I went to the orientation for the incoming juniors. After the principal had discussed several things with the students and their parents, we (the students) were dismissed for a session of "ice-breakers". We were led into a separate room by the school counselor and we all just kind of stood around. It was just a little bit awkward...

Anyhow, we were all given stickers with a picture on them. We were told that we had to find the person whose sticker matched ours and mingle with them until we felt we could successfully introduce them to the rest of the group. I got paired up with a really nice girl and we talked for a bit. I told her I had been a member of the Youth Alive club at my previous school. Now, most know that this is a Christian club, but I didn't make sure she did. I thought, Well, maybe I'll get a chance to explain later.

After just a few minutes, the introductions. There was a lot of giggling and a lot of silliness. One of the girls, however, was actually introduced as "Catholic" and her partner "a Christian."

I don't know if I really am guilty of not expressing my beliefs fully when I had the chance, but I know that at that moment I felt guilty. I mean, it wasn't terrible. But I did feel a little pang of... something. I just remembering, "Wow, I wish I had been that honest." You know, just lay it out, plain and clear. 'Hey guys, I'm Ana, and I'm a Christian.'

Man! Now that I think about it, I totally wish I could have said it. "Hi, I'm Ana, and I love Jesus." I will make it a point to do so before the first week of school is over.

This brings me to something else that I just thought of... like, right, now...

I attended a private Christian school from grade 6 to 9. I fell in love with Jesus before starting the 6th grade. Man, I was so passionately in love with Him. I don't meant to say that I don't anymore, but I look back and I understand that I was in that first stage. My walk with God was so short that it was almost impossible for it to be anything but easy.

When I hit the 7th grade, I began to face the trials that are bound to assault you when you are actually living for God. I mean, the devil starts to realize that you really do have potential to make an impact for God and, well, he puts himself to work against you. It was not terrible for me, but I did change a lot.

Anyway, where I was going with all this was that I remember being told by my Christian teachers that if I went to a public high school, or when I went to college, that I should be ready to face some sort of persecution for my faith. They didn't try to scare us or anything. Actually, all they ever said was that there would probably be people that didn't like us for being followers of Christ.

I kind of wish they had never told me that. I wouldn't want them to depict a non-existent, perfect world for me, either, but just let me find out on my own, so I don't have all these pre-conceived ideas and fears and I could just act boldly and learn as I went.

Today I realized that I have a real fear of being rejected in any way for my faith. I know that it's a human thing, fear, and quite normal. But this fear is not only for my sake. I don't want to push people away and then never be able to share with them what God has done for me. Today, for example, my way of looking at things was, "I'll just tell her I was part of the Youth Alive Club and maybe later I'll get a chance to explain what we did there. If I tell her everything now without first building a relationship, she might not want to talk to me ever again and I won't be able to share Christ with her."

Even as I'm typing this I can see that my way of thinking is, well, dumb. However, putting my thoughts down and analyzing my thoughts and actions has helped me to decide that I will try my best to be forward. Kind, respectful, and always humble, but forward.

I really don't know if any of this will make sense to anyone or if it'll even make sense to me when I read over it. But I really hope that if someone out there has thought like me, that this will help a bit.

Thanks for reading.

Love you.

In Christ,

Ana

Loving Father

Why is it that we hold back from God, even when we can see how badly being away from Him is hurting us? Even when we can see how less painful our lives would be if we only took that first step towards God? I have found myself in this position many times. I stand in between God and the devil, holding sin by the hand. I can either choose to walk on to where sin is leading me, right into the devil's lair, or I can choose to take a step backward towards God, so He can crush my sin's head and redirect my path. Most of the time, I entertain satan for far too long. I'll look down at sin, take in the ghastliness of its sneering face, feel the pain of its claws digging into my hands. It will nod at me, beckoning me to follow it to my destruction, and I, knowing all this full well, will follow after it like a dumb, hungry dog. But only long enough to make satan's wretched mouth water. Then I'll stop, look back at God's loving eyes silently telling me to come back to Him, to not be foolish and do the obviously right thing. So I kick away my sin, tug my hand away from its, and take a couple of baby steps towards my Father, only to have sin back on me, practically chewing off my arm. And I stop. And the pain gets worse. Sin feasts on my flesh, all the while telling me that it'll relent if only I will follow it. And I know this is all a filthy lie! But I follow, nonetheless. And, of course, the pain does not subdue - it only increases in intensity. 'Stop!' I tell myself. 'Stop, you idiot!' But I can't. Not on my own. So I cry out, my spirit torn and bleeding. Oh, Jesus, help me! Rescue me from my sin! And instantly, God is there beside me. He shrouds me in one arm and flings sin away with the other. Whimpering, the filthy thing writhes and withers. God steps out and crushes its evil head under His foot. I bury my face in His mighty chest and sob. I weep myself dry. I tell my God I'm sorry, that I'll never leave again. And He, knowing that I will - not once - but a hundred times again, only nods and holds me tighter. "It's alright. Hush, now, hush. You're alright. I've got you. I've got you..."

[written March 14 -17, 2008]