Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Midnight Rant

Oh, tonight is one of those nights.

I'm tired, headachy, hungry, and nauseated. It's 12:17 AM. Everyone is in bed. Since we're still in the process of moving back here into our old house, there's clothes, books, and all sorts of miscellaneous objects strewn about the room.

There are so many things on my mind, but my thoughts are so quick and so vague that it is hard to grasp even one of them. Somewhere within me is a feeling of loneliness. But it's not my loneliness. It's someone else's.

I'm listening to Split Screen Sadness, and though I haven't really paid close attention to the lyrics, the song fills me with a sense of helplessness, loneliness, and a deep frustration.

""All you need is love" is a lie 'cause we had a love but we still said goodbye. Now we’re tired, battered fighters". This line makes my heart ache. So many don't know what true love is. I'm not saying I'm an expert in the area. I'm sixteen, and I know I have a long way to go. But, shouldn't love be something fulfilling? Shouldn't love really be all we need?

I think it is. Love really is all we need. The problem is found in our definition of love. Love is not butterfly-stomachs and chills and breathlesness. Love is not just someone to hold, or to be held by. I think these are just bonuses, little gifts from God.

Love, the real one, the satisfying and fulfilling one, comes from Him only. I think, and I've come to these conclusions from past experience, that it isn't until we let God love us completely, and let ourselves fall in love with Him again and again, day after day, that we will be able to experience a fulfilling, healthy love with another human being.

Loving God opens our eyes to so many things, and helps us to look past the things that don't matter.

When my focus leaves God's love, I begin to feel empty and alone, even while my best friend holds my hand here on earth. I begin to expect him to give me what I am not letting my God give me. I begin to wonder if we're really meant to be together. And that's where the confusion begins. Wasn't love supposed to be fulfilling? Shouldn't I feel complete?

It isn't until I find my place back in God's arms that I realize that, yes, this young man is with whom I'm supposed to be right now. It's not until we're both looking into our God's eyes that I can stand before Him hand in hand and not feel empty and ashamed.

Pardon me for ranting. God is good. I'm tired. I've succeeded in extracting my mind of not even a tenth of its intricate blend of questions and aches and wonderings. But I think that this is all I can do for tonight. Tomorrow will be another day, and will take care of filling up that empty ten percent with new questions and ideas of which maybe I will have time to ramble on about.

Until then, God bless.

1 comment:

Dane said...

Hey Ana! I think I might take you up on that offer that you gave me on facebook. You're pretty good at writing, and I could sure use the help. Do you have an email address?